First person view
Do you have that kind of days, I mean, when you felt hopeless and fell in despair? Where your whole world sinks inside a deep dark void, where you couldn’t even let out a scream? An endless argument with yourself, conflicts after conflicts wrote itself like a rejected movie scripts. Your body and mind become fatigued, and your chest felt like that heartburn from eating too much chili peppers. Today I am going to share with you, the true terrors of depression.
I still remembered it as if it was yesterday. Around December of 2011, one simple day changed my life forever, just like a chemical reaction goes downhill in a graph. I was a first year student, taking biotech degree. I can still remember the feeling of the gentle breeze which caresses my cheek early in the morning, and a surreal feeling of looking outside the window, and watching the sky in vivid colors. I know I forgot about something. And the inevitable happened. I couldn’t get out of the bed, feeling tired all day long. For the next few weeks, I lost my motivation to do anything. Restless nights passes by, I couldn’t stop thinking about anything. Waking up everyday, I was sitting on the bed, paralyzed. My heart felt like it was burning and freezing simultaneously. Regret, guilt, self-loathing, cursing, screaming to my heart content, and listening to depressing songs. Eventually, I got over it, and the third semester felt like a breeze. But I never thought that it could happen again, or should I say, a relapse.
The fourth semester, July 2012, everything went smoothly. After the Eid festivity ended, class goes as usual. Like some kind of sick joke, it happened again in September of that year, and the fact that it was a rainy season only added misery to the days that goes by.It come, it goes, just like the rain; but the damages are permanent. Flesh wound turns into scars. Life went downhill afterwards. Sometimes I simply prayed that it would end quickly, and would never come again. Religion keeps me off the suicidal thoughts; but what I was looking for was not reassurance. Instead of looking for the solution, I ran away from my problems. Lies after lies slips out my lips. Days goes by with me thinking about the good old days. When did it start? How did it happened? If only I could turn back the time. No, this is not reality, I’m in some kind of alternate dimension right? Those questions filled my mind back then. Like digging the ground when it is flooding, you get suffocated with the water, instead of searching for higher grounds.
Do they understand? Can they help me? It was simple to reassure your friends when they’re in despair, asking them to get it over with, swallowing everything down. Yeah, it was as simple as saying something, cause they didn’t experience it themselves. Even calling several helplines, it didn’t help with anything. What you got is advice after advice. Same thing all over again. Worst, when you’re blamed for causing problems to other people. Did they ever tried to put themselves in my shoes? I shut off my phone, I avoid from talking to anyone. 70% of my days filled with sleeping. The rest is filled with feeding myself, taking a long shower, and cursing myself for the problems I caused to myself for the rest of the nights. What am I doing with my life? Leave me alone, I don’t wanna get fixed. I need a solution to my problems, I need to get out of the abyss of my thoughts.
Like every other people who fell in despair, I asked myself, how do I destroy this monster once and for all? And then it dawned on me, this is not as simple as fighting bosses inside video games. A slip up is not a game over, but you should know that the scars from the fall will always remain with you, unable to heal. In the end, I just wanted everyone to just shut the hell up, and might possibly say a swear word.
Good day to you, fellow netizens. Today I would like to discuss about something which have been bothering my mind for the past few months. It’s something that I like to call the “spirited-away syndrome”. Now I would like to ask you some question, have you ever encountered any person, which is physically healthy, and still have control over themselves for necessary activities such as eating and sleeping, but on the other hand lost control of their own life? Still confused? What I meant is that, they lost they lost their interests in doing something that they like, their hobbies, and also their passion, goals, etc. Why do I ask? Because I have encountered many of this type of people. Some are destined to be rich and successful but in the end, walk aimlessly, an empty vessel, which might respond to any stimulus but have no control of what they would like to do. They have free wills, but is empty on the inside. Wandering silently as people passes by.
As a Malaysian, I do at most times encountered some unexplainable phenomenon, where the even with the insight of modern science, no single answers could be obtained. I’m not skeptic, but I have a hard time on believing that this type of people become what they were due to the works of black magics and such. For the past few days, I have read an article on cracked and found out that the more intelligent you are, the easier for you to give up and crack under pressure. What if this supposedly spirited-away guys are just having a severe depression? What if they can be cured by the means of medical treatments?
At first let us review on the common symptoms of depression:
Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling, that’s when it’s time to seek help.
Common signs and symptoms of depression
- Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
- Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
- Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
- Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
- Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
- Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
- Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
- Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
- Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
- Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.
I read on listverse before that scientists have proven that emotional pain is also physically painful. But what I don’t understand is that, how did someone who is on their way to success, living a happy and healthy life suddenly succumbs to depression, without any events which may psychologically affects their state of mind? Today they’re behaving normally, and the next day they suddenly become distanced and hollow. Any ideas on what happened to them or any treatment for such problems?