When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
from deep within the flow of time…
But, for the certainty, back then,
we loved so many, yet hated so much,
we hurt others and were hurt ourselves… –Schala “kid” zeal, excerpt from Chrono Cross, PSX, November 18, 1999.
Do you believe in predestined future? Or is it all just a mere delusion, perhaps from my narcissistic side of mine. Believing that I’m destined to become something big, I began to develop a “holier than thou” attitude. But that is true only on a certain day, for I am a confused man. Asking the eternal question to myself every day I woke up from my dreams, “who am I?”. The question drives me insane, day after day; seeking for the answers, although knowingly that I will never find the answers… Perhaps maybe, I am already insane to begin with. Restless, I destroy my own life subconsciously. On the verge of destruction, I started asking another question; instead of “why this happens to me?”, I asked myself, “when did all of this started?” instead.
The rustling sound of rain one lonely night, kneeling on the prayers mat; I held my arms, praying to god, “O dear lord, who am I? For what reason do we live besides worshiping you every day until we die? Is this all just an illusion, then, what is reality? All knowing lord, what is the truth? I beg you, please grant your servant, your wisdom, your knowledge. O ye creator, show me the truth”. The moment I woke up the next day, unbeknownst to me, my wish is granted, but not without a price to pay. Alone in my room, I stared at the blank wall for hours. One question came up after another, some which I already know the answers to, some which I know shouldn’t even be thought of in the first place. Alas, my greed of knowledge, or should I say, the truth, slowly devours my soul.
I still remember those particular days, when I started devouring countless data, whether if they’re necessarily beneficial or not. But surely, time is cruel. From dusk till dawn, my eyes fixated unto the monitor screen, at least, this time I’m not necessarily stared into the oblivion for hours. Then, it dawned on me. My body started to rebel against me, pain creeping upon my brain, my body’s getting weaker by each day. Thoughts after thoughts, it just couldn’t stop. I started sleeping my way through the day. Didn’t I have enough sleep? When I was aware, I could account that sometimes I sleep more than fourteen hours a day. Sometimes, I just fall asleep without any explanation. I didn’t know that you can even get addicted to sleep. What’s worst you asked? Living in dreams after dreams, each takes more than a few days in real time. Exhaustion and fatigue sucked upon my life force bit by bit. I force myself to avoid from sleeping at some point. I failed.
Ah, but that didn’t even make any sense. I hate the feeling of mediocrity. So do we live just to eat, sleep, excrete, work enough money to support our family? And then what, we repeat the steps until we die? What’s the sense of accomplishment in that? Don’t you have any self-fulfillment? You just exist to repeat the same steps in your life, how boring, no, how stupid is that! Ironically, I also wanted to know how it is to be in other people’s shoes. How do their mind works? What are they thinking of? What is their interpretation of life? I wanted to know everything. There’s no such thing as knowing too much. Even if it’s bad for you, I still wanted to know everything. Eureka! So that’s why I am cursed…or is it a curse to begin with? Who knows…
I just wanted to know… is that a sin?