Category Archives: Something to talk about…
Just like the title says…
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago,
Oh no, not me, I never lost control – David Bowie- The Man Who Sold The World
Top of the day to you fellow netizens. Its been a while since I’ve updated my blog (oh look, there’s some dust bunnies at the corner of the screen). Oh boy, where to start. Ah, yes, darkfent. So people have been asking me, what the hell does that mean. Well, according to Google ‘fent’ comes from a dialect in England, most probably derived from the word ‘vent’. So the word fent according to the internet means a slit or an opening in a garment. According to my definition, it is a simple case of entering my name in Breath Of Fire (SNES). Till this day, I never knew why I put that name in the first place. After using it for the second time in Chrono Trigger, the name kinda stuck inside of my head. Now for the ‘dark’ part…well, I was listening to a lot of emo J-Pop songs a few years ago. There, now you know the origin of that weird handle.
Back to business. So I’ve been playing a lot of games on my phone lately, but the ones that I played the most are Final Fantasy Record Keeper and Dragon Quest Monster Super Light. I love both of them mainly due to nostalgic factors as well as the RPG elements (tell that to the person who had finished SMT IV 4 times within a week).
DQMSL is kinda like your average pick up and play smartphone app. It focuses more on dungeon crawling and the art of ‘Ovalution’ (kinda sad they did not use the synthesis system) which is basically using a bunch of stock monsters to evolve your monster (basic free-to-play microtransaction game mechanics). FFRK on the other hand, added the nostalgia factors along with microtransaction into a sideview turn-based RPG with challenging difficulties, forcing you to strategize carefully to complete a dungeon…and now I’m stuck at the new dungeons due to their difficulties and lost of interest (seriously, why is it so hard to get those relics)…and lack of playtime during the play productions we’re having.
All in all, I’ve been saving up some cash to buy the DX Ghost Driver…if only I have the motivation to do the real review (damn, editing video is a lot of hard work). Meh, we can do that later. MGSV is waiting for me…
It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this darn blog…was planning to include otaku reviews with gunpla or video games…but we’ll keep that for another time. As always, this would be some kind of rant or theories that I would propose to the readers (queue cricket sound effect). Anyway, this is something that I created out of nowhere a few months ago during philosophy class…so, yeah, I kinda procrastinate a bit so let’s get on with it.
There was I, still half awake at 10 in the morning, when the lecturer asked us to create our own philosophical theory and present our ideas to the whole class. As usual, I would happily finish mine within 10 minutes or so, and then let my other classmates present their own ideas. Yeah, I regretted that decision when the class is over. I was actually proposing for a new ideology, “Confrontism”. At first it was a bit like confronting with your own fears and self-doubt, but after 5 minutes writing the whole thing, something struck my mind; “Oh god, I forgot to implement the theory for curriculum structures” and somehow I started to digress from the original idea.
You see, I proposed that in school there would be a class where your main objective is to fail the class…wait, that doesn’t sound right. Let’s try this again, yeah, the only way you could pass this test is to fail, darn it, I’m repeating myself again. But that’s okay, I acknowledge that my post is kinda confusing and boring. Hey, wait a sec, that’s what I wanna tell you since the last few sentences. Okay, here’s the thing, during the class students would learn how to acknowledge that no matter how great you are as a person, you’re still human, you would still make mistakes every now and then. We asked students to confront their fear of failure, and acknowledge all their flaws…but wait, this is kinda different as you would teach them to stop victimizing themselves. As my lecturer once said, “if you fell down, ignore what people would think of you; get up, laugh at yourself and keep moving forward”. You can’t always be Mr.Right, but it also takes gut to admit that you’re Mr.Wrong. I hate this kind of people, and I admit it, I did the same thing in the past. In conversations or during arguments, I show the people who criticized me how disgraceful I can be, and things spiraled downwards after that. Hatred only brings more hatred. So I’ve taught myself since then, I won’t become the victim when someone imposed their extreme ideas or criticized me. I won’t straightly tell them to shut up or something. I would tell them that I respected their view and they have the rights to say whatever they wanted to me, and I respected their view.
Nevertheless, it’s kind of fun going to a class and the final exam would fail you, and the only way to pass is to acknowledge that you’ve failed and it’s okay, because there’s more to life than excelling in school. Heck, maybe the idea would become a reality, once our society stops arguing with one another and get over our differences. Yeah, someday…I long for the day that it would come, and I hope I would be there to observe it Y(^w^)Y
D.F.J, signing out- 2/2/2015 11:52PM UTC+8
First person view
Do you have that kind of days, I mean, when you felt hopeless and fell in despair? Where your whole world sinks inside a deep dark void, where you couldn’t even let out a scream? An endless argument with yourself, conflicts after conflicts wrote itself like a rejected movie scripts. Your body and mind become fatigued, and your chest felt like that heartburn from eating too much chili peppers. Today I am going to share with you, the true terrors of depression.
I still remembered it as if it was yesterday. Around December of 2011, one simple day changed my life forever, just like a chemical reaction goes downhill in a graph. I was a first year student, taking biotech degree. I can still remember the feeling of the gentle breeze which caresses my cheek early in the morning, and a surreal feeling of looking outside the window, and watching the sky in vivid colors. I know I forgot about something. And the inevitable happened. I couldn’t get out of the bed, feeling tired all day long. For the next few weeks, I lost my motivation to do anything. Restless nights passes by, I couldn’t stop thinking about anything. Waking up everyday, I was sitting on the bed, paralyzed. My heart felt like it was burning and freezing simultaneously. Regret, guilt, self-loathing, cursing, screaming to my heart content, and listening to depressing songs. Eventually, I got over it, and the third semester felt like a breeze. But I never thought that it could happen again, or should I say, a relapse.
The fourth semester, July 2012, everything went smoothly. After the Eid festivity ended, class goes as usual. Like some kind of sick joke, it happened again in September of that year, and the fact that it was a rainy season only added misery to the days that goes by.It come, it goes, just like the rain; but the damages are permanent. Flesh wound turns into scars. Life went downhill afterwards. Sometimes I simply prayed that it would end quickly, and would never come again. Religion keeps me off the suicidal thoughts; but what I was looking for was not reassurance. Instead of looking for the solution, I ran away from my problems. Lies after lies slips out my lips. Days goes by with me thinking about the good old days. When did it start? How did it happened? If only I could turn back the time. No, this is not reality, I’m in some kind of alternate dimension right? Those questions filled my mind back then. Like digging the ground when it is flooding, you get suffocated with the water, instead of searching for higher grounds.
Do they understand? Can they help me? It was simple to reassure your friends when they’re in despair, asking them to get it over with, swallowing everything down. Yeah, it was as simple as saying something, cause they didn’t experience it themselves. Even calling several helplines, it didn’t help with anything. What you got is advice after advice. Same thing all over again. Worst, when you’re blamed for causing problems to other people. Did they ever tried to put themselves in my shoes? I shut off my phone, I avoid from talking to anyone. 70% of my days filled with sleeping. The rest is filled with feeding myself, taking a long shower, and cursing myself for the problems I caused to myself for the rest of the nights. What am I doing with my life? Leave me alone, I don’t wanna get fixed. I need a solution to my problems, I need to get out of the abyss of my thoughts.
Like every other people who fell in despair, I asked myself, how do I destroy this monster once and for all? And then it dawned on me, this is not as simple as fighting bosses inside video games. A slip up is not a game over, but you should know that the scars from the fall will always remain with you, unable to heal. In the end, I just wanted everyone to just shut the hell up, and might possibly say a swear word.
No, I am not talking about the band or the book…or the movie…but rather, something which got me caught up in a bit of predicament over the years…fear…specifically, anxiety. Did you think that anxiety is just having tremors, caught up in a fight or flight conflict inside your head…the moment you’re about to do something big? Wrong answer me amigo, for today we are going to delve into the world of anxiety.
As someone who have experienced severe anxiety over the years (which could be a jackpot for me, when the society embed a stigma on me for not having the ability to cope with reality, or would give me handful of advises to dissipate the problem…which is also why I never told anyone about it in the first place)…where are we again…oh, the feeling that you get when you messed up a little bit in your life, but somehow the problem keep piling up due to you being frozen in fear…lose all hope in living, filled with self-loath; thinking, where the hell did I screw up? When did all of this started? I’m doomed…nil, null, nihil, zero, sifr, nothing more of a useless pile of existence in this world.
Yeah, that’s just an example of how anxiety could cripple your frail little life. But in a society where mental disease goes unchecked, where mad people are let loose to control the economy, destroying the minds of young uns by the means of screwed up education system; where we were taught that without licking the shoes of a man with receding hairlines, we could not survive this rotten world? Yeah, I guess that makes people with anxiety in this country either a laughing stock for (supposed) making up of excuses in a form of mental disease, or maybe even an imbecile for being afraid of stepping on the bridge of life. See, there’s no public awareness campaign or dozens of other suggestion that we have to pen in when writing essays (because extra marks, that’s why).
People with anxiety never asked for it to happen to them. It’s like a curse…when something goes awry in the biological system of an individual, their minds started screwing around with their thoughts…over-thinking, confusion, the list could go on and on; and there’s quite a few of categories of anxiety disorder, not including the subcategories…aw man, that some serious manure down there.
Come on, Pavlovian era had long pass by, Freudian theory wasn’t relevant anymore (but I still believe in Jung’s dream analysis…well…quite skeptic…but…meh…). Shouldn’t people delve into the causes of anxiety disorder from the biological aspect…wait…they did. But still, it is still insufficient. Some drugs lead to another psychological disorder, even better (sarcasm) some of the drugs that works are placebos. So is it real, or there’s some underlying cause that we haven’t discovered yet? Who knows…guess I’ll be playing the same song for the umpteenth time while playing a hundred round of Klondike and Freecell over and over again. Life sucks, but meh…society would be like ‘procrastination’…just drink up the reality which is milk of magnesia, and defecate everything down the sewage.
Yo, how’s it goin? It’s 2:35 AM GST +8 and I don’t have anything better to do. I was planning on doing some reviews on the latest pokemon XY release……but….under certain circumstances, and obstacles….I may not be able to buy it before the 26th of this month (and by that time there would be tons of reviews on the net).
So anyway, it seems like there’s someone who is always visiting my blog everyday. Good thing this domain is not on blogspot, or else I’d already look up their IP address. Thank you, whoever you are for visiting this…lonely…or should I say dying blog. I’ve stuffs to do now and then….and it seems like the quality of my poems/lyrics are going down the drain these days. I could never create the same level of stuff that can be compared to “Decay”. I guess my writing style is evolving more into novel type instead of poem/lyrics…..or it just show me that I’ve been slacking around lately and I’ve forgotten some of my vocabulary. But what raises more question in my head is that, my style of writing completely differs when I was writing something on wechat; on twitter; and on this blog (and during completing this sentence, I forgot the appropriate word that I should use, my advice, stop eating instant noodles; they corrupt your memory).
So what’re we going to do early up in the morning….hmm…..I already sucked at poem/lyric making……a new theory? Nah….too lazy to think deeply and switching into enigma mode…..eureka! We’ll talk about Kamen Rider.
Okay, so here we go. I hate the new Kamen Rider Gaim. That is all. Thank you for taking your time reading the review.
I was hoping that my energy would drop out right now….ah….I guess it’s another date with freecell….I wonder how many rounds would I last? No, please don’t ask me to play another hand of three cards klondikle!
D.F.J signing out, approx 2:52 GST +8
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
from deep within the flow of time…
But, for the certainty, back then,
we loved so many, yet hated so much,
we hurt others and were hurt ourselves… –Schala “kid” zeal, excerpt from Chrono Cross, PSX, November 18, 1999.
Do you believe in predestined future? Or is it all just a mere delusion, perhaps from my narcissistic side of mine. Believing that I’m destined to become something big, I began to develop a “holier than thou” attitude. But that is true only on a certain day, for I am a confused man. Asking the eternal question to myself every day I woke up from my dreams, “who am I?”. The question drives me insane, day after day; seeking for the answers, although knowingly that I will never find the answers… Perhaps maybe, I am already insane to begin with. Restless, I destroy my own life subconsciously. On the verge of destruction, I started asking another question; instead of “why this happens to me?”, I asked myself, “when did all of this started?” instead.
The rustling sound of rain one lonely night, kneeling on the prayers mat; I held my arms, praying to god, “O dear lord, who am I? For what reason do we live besides worshiping you every day until we die? Is this all just an illusion, then, what is reality? All knowing lord, what is the truth? I beg you, please grant your servant, your wisdom, your knowledge. O ye creator, show me the truth”. The moment I woke up the next day, unbeknownst to me, my wish is granted, but not without a price to pay. Alone in my room, I stared at the blank wall for hours. One question came up after another, some which I already know the answers to, some which I know shouldn’t even be thought of in the first place. Alas, my greed of knowledge, or should I say, the truth, slowly devours my soul.
I still remember those particular days, when I started devouring countless data, whether if they’re necessarily beneficial or not. But surely, time is cruel. From dusk till dawn, my eyes fixated unto the monitor screen, at least, this time I’m not necessarily stared into the oblivion for hours. Then, it dawned on me. My body started to rebel against me, pain creeping upon my brain, my body’s getting weaker by each day. Thoughts after thoughts, it just couldn’t stop. I started sleeping my way through the day. Didn’t I have enough sleep? When I was aware, I could account that sometimes I sleep more than fourteen hours a day. Sometimes, I just fall asleep without any explanation. I didn’t know that you can even get addicted to sleep. What’s worst you asked? Living in dreams after dreams, each takes more than a few days in real time. Exhaustion and fatigue sucked upon my life force bit by bit. I force myself to avoid from sleeping at some point. I failed.
Ah, but that didn’t even make any sense. I hate the feeling of mediocrity. So do we live just to eat, sleep, excrete, work enough money to support our family? And then what, we repeat the steps until we die? What’s the sense of accomplishment in that? Don’t you have any self-fulfillment? You just exist to repeat the same steps in your life, how boring, no, how stupid is that! Ironically, I also wanted to know how it is to be in other people’s shoes. How do their mind works? What are they thinking of? What is their interpretation of life? I wanted to know everything. There’s no such thing as knowing too much. Even if it’s bad for you, I still wanted to know everything. Eureka! So that’s why I am cursed…or is it a curse to begin with? Who knows…
I just wanted to know… is that a sin?
You must unlearn what you have learned- Yoda, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Good day to you ladies and gentleman. Today I would like to share with you my understanding of a new concept on placebo effects that I’ve just learned recently. Mind you that this is just a theory and not a discovery, as there’s no one out there to carry out an experiment based on my theory. I don’t force you to accept my theory, it’s up to you whether if you wanted to believe it or not. This is just a sudden enlightenment that I have that I hope could furthermore improve our understanding of the human mind.
First and foremost, what does placebo means? From freedictionary.com, ” The beneficial effect in a patient following a particular treatment that arises from the patient’s expectations concerning the treatment rather than from the treatment itself”. Huh, what does that even mean? Now let’s think about it from a different point of view. Imagine that you’re a child; a few minutes ago you’ve just scraped your knee after you hit the edge of the table. You can’t stop crying because of the pain; your mom came to you and started blowing on your wounds, adding some kind of special chants while doing so. Apparently, it worked. You no longer felt any pain, and the next time you ever scraped your knee again, your mom would’ve just repeat the same thing over again. Simple isn’t it?
Some of you might say something like, “Well, it did worked when I was 7; I’m 21 now and if I ever have cut or bruises, those magic chants won’t do anything”. Well, that’s why I wrote about this particular topic in the first place. Ever had one of those moments when you have a severe migraine and you started saying to yourself, “a bottle of aspirin would do the trick”. After taking a bottle, the migraine stopped. When you told your dad that aspirin can be good for relieving migraines; he quipped out “how I wish it could do the same to me. I usually just drink some pickle juice, works like a charm to me”. So, does that means pickle juice may have analgesic effects? Enlightened by your discovery, the next time you suffered from migraine; you started drinking some pickle juice, only to be disappointed that it didn’t worked. So now we started asking, “does it only works with an old man or something?”.
The answer is, yes, but only to a certain groups of people. Wait, does that mean that pickle juice chemicals only worked for a certain person in relieving pain? Maybe, but there’s a better explanation to that, which is the placebo effect. After understanding the analogies given above, let’s move on with the topic. Again, imagine yourself in high school (or equivalent). Today you’re learning algebra. After doing a few exercises on algebra, you easily answered every question that you came across. Over the next few years, whenever you came across it, you solve them within a few minutes. When you graduated from high school, you met an old friend. He’s currently studying literature in college. Whenever you met him, he always tell you how much he despised algebra; he also posted on facebook, saying things like, “it’s not like we’re using it in our daily life”. It’s never been a problem to you, so you started asking about his problem with algebra. It turns out that he was never good at algebra since high school. Fast forward 20 years into the future, you met up with him again. But you’re surprised that he is now a professor who teach calculus in MIT. He told you that he become obsessed with mathematics when helping his niece with some algebra homework a few years ago, and was surprised on how easy it was compared when he was studying it in high school.
I hope you understand a bit of my point in the previous analogies. So here’s my explanation:
A. Sometimes, when doing something new; you succeeded with the task given, and the next time you ever done the same thing again, you succeeded easily or even better at the task.
B. Sometimes, when doing something new; you failed miserably, and the next time you ever done it, you always failed at doing the task.
C. Same as B, but after a long time; you have already forgotten about it, but the next time you did the same task, you find that it is easier compared to your past attempts doing the same task.
You might say that A have a natural talent or that C might be thinking in a different kind of way; compared to when he was younger. There might be some truth in that. You see, when we succeeded at a task for the first time, our mindset changes and we felt that the task was easy and you could perform even better the next time. But, if you failed at the task firsthand, no matter how many times we did the task, we would only failed miserably. This is true until you forget about it at some part in your life, and the moment you did the same task again; your brain thinks that we never did the task before, and you perform better than when you did the task before. So my advice to you, if you’re bad at something, stop saying to yourself “if first you didn’t succeed, try and try again” or the equivalent. Stop focusing on that task and concentrate on doing something else.
Now I would like to explain about the extremum effect. Chances are, you’ve already heard of stories on how a man survived after falling from the 30th floor of an apartment, survived a devastating earthquake unscathed, etc? How about a neighbor which suddenly kills a man in a fight even though that he was known as a man who would never do such a thing? Here’s when the extremum effect applies. During a certain event, say, a life or death situation, or maybe an extremely stressful situation; our brain shuts off the limiting mindset that we have, for example, you always think that you could never survive a jump from the 30th floor, only to woke up a few hours later with only minor injuries. Extremum means the point located farthest from the middle of something or, the most extreme possible amount or value. Looking back at the last paragraph, it turns out that time may also have a connection with the extremum effect. As of how our mindset affect our body in a way that you could survive the impact from falling from extreme heights, or how you’re getting better at doing something after a few years is still a mystery.
In the end, I apologized if you didn’t understand any of my writings, and I hope that I could present it to you in the simplest form as possible. If you have any question or would like to criticize me; please do so in the comments section below in a polite way. Last but not least, let’s imagine what we could achieve by manipulating our mindset at will. See you in the next article. Peace be upon you.
Hello there netizens, I decided that from this moment onwards that I should loosen up a bit of the formality when writing about something to debate. Yeah, I know, following the scientific writing guidelines is a necessity when discussing about certain topics, but hey, if it exist for our own good that means we can ignore it once in a while right? So I won’t give reference or any credits to other people who I got my information from. So all of you plagiarism police can shot me down any moment, but I just need you to know that I wrote this without copy pasting some people works. Yeah, I wrote this out of my own opinion so all you skeptics out there can do whatever you want in the comments section. Just don’t send me spam for god sake, they’re more annoying than grammer nazi’s out there (but you’re welcome to post so that I could improve my writings in the future though). And no, I won’t insert any stock images in this post to protect your brain from overloading or cure the boredom which is caused by you reading my post….last but not least, I won’t give you a potato for the long post, go get it yourself! It’s only a few cents, unless you’re living in you know…where a single potato cost a fortune…
Okay, where to start….just a few hours ago I was watching Game Theory (re-watching for the umpteenth time actually) and I came to the part where Matthew Patrick the maker (director, editor, priest) of the video was talking about how the placebo effect affecting our body. Oh come on, you probably have read about it a few times across the internet, where some random guy stopped a car heading his way with just his bare fist, or the guy who survived an accident unscathed. No, I don’t believe in miracles and magic despite being religious. For me, each and everything in this world had it’s own explanation, regardless of how unacceptably insane it is. I have my own share of how the placebo effect happens to me. When I was a kid I was prone to deadly situations all the time due to my own foolishness (hey, kids just being kids) at one time I was at my school when I was in primary four (4th graders to those living outside countries using british systems) for a function, arriving early with two of my friends, we were watching the cloudy skies at 7:00 in the morning, and out of the sudden, a lightning strikes just above our heads, in mere seconds my friends already jumped for cover, leaving me behind for a head shot literally (although lightning strikes are actually an optical illusion, read on it, I’m too lazy too explain it to you). Just as the lightning merely touching my hair, I jumped a few steps behind. Talk about lucky, or did our body have a special mechanism to protect us from any harm?
Fast-forward two years ahead, when I saw my friend from afar, I decided to run to him, forgetting that I was on top of a steep hill with wet grasses, I fell a few meters lunging toward a sewage hole, uncovered, with no water, made out of concrete with a few metal shaft pointing upwards….I thought I was a goner. And suddenly, I seem to fell perfectly on top of my friend as he catches me, his feet fell into the drainage, but somehow he only suffers a tiny bruise, and I escaped death, unharmed. The moments between the events are only a mere seconds but somehow we managed to calculate our ways to solve the problem…as I fell, my body somehow figured out how to land on top of my friend, even though I didn’t know if he would save me anyway, and my friend, lunging towards me and calculating at which angle should he breaks my fall while minimizing the damage that he may suffer from falling into the drain. Till this day the event still baffles me when I couldn’t sleep at night.
So you ask me, what the hell does all of this have to do with placebo effect? Well, I was just explaining before how our body in a short moment of time, making quick decisions to minimalize or escape the dangers beforehand. How about those crazy people who pull out stunts such as eating a sword, stab themselves using sword, juggling swords, cutting a sword in two….okay enough of that. But they conduct these amazing feats with no harm to their body. I know, they practiced thousands of hours just to improve their skills, but they certainly didn’t take any drugs or anything to enhance their performances right? We usually see how this people perform meditations, eating some weird cure-all or something, practicing tedious rituals to help them with their performances….looking at it again, it all started with how our brain actually works, and this is just the warm ups for our discussion.
In several studies (no reference would be included, check them yourself, or else this post would be as thick as Reece et.al Biology 9th edition textbook) subjects are given a pill which the doctor told that it would alleviate their pain. And there’s another patient given another pill and was told that it could increase their pain. The thing is, both of the pills only contains sugar, yeah, they’re a placebo. But do you know what happened? Both patients experienced an alleviated pain and also an increase in pain. Moreover, when the subjects were told about the truth about those pills, the same effects still applies to them anyway. Meaning that, even when we know that the acai berry or whatever crap the people from any multi-level marketing tries to sell to you, the fake benefits still works on you. But I guess that would mean that it’s cheaper to invest in something less pricey. I mean, how about making your brain thinks that eating M&M’s could cure your diarrhea? Heck, I drink gatorade when I have migraine and it still works like a charm even though I’m skeptical about it.
Then again, there was always an opposite to something. Ever take a real working analgesic such as Ibuprofen and how it didn’t even work to stop the pain you get from straining all the muscles in your body? (It works for me actually, and I almost become an addict before someone introduced me to pepsi….and I still believe that there’s pepsin inside it, so I take it everyday for digestive aid…heck, it got less sugar then your favorite coca-cola and taste better anyway) This is what scientist called anti-placebo effect. Yeah, even when the medicine you’re taking is scientifically proven, it still won’t work on you due to your brain being a douchebag, suddenly become skeptic about a working medicine. I guess that’s why some people with weight problem still can’t bring fit into their old pants even after a rigorous, exercise to your death routine daily. Damn, how does our brain works anyway in the first place?
Oh yeah, I claim my rights to the term “auto-placebo induced effect”. Yeah…I’m pathetic and miserable….and lazy too….