Monthly Archives: May 2014

University: Are students charity worker

Welcome everyone or senang citer, selamat datang le dalam bahasa Malaysia to the new nonsensical series of crap writings on this blog (who nobody ever reads by the way, meh). Nama pun dah mi rojak, of choice la bahasa tak on ‘par’ gitu ngan posting sebelum neh. So jangan marah yea, disclaimer dah bagi awal-awal lagi. Dan kepada sesiapa yang mungkin terasa senak or senang citer ‘butthurt’ baca posting ni, silalah minum milk of magnesia bagi lancar perjalanan excretion tu.

 

” Tiap universiti kau pergi mesti ada masalah. Kalau ada universiti baru bukak sebelah tu, yang tu pun automatic la jugak ada masalah”                                                                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     –Anon, 2013.

 

Only in this country, uni students not associated with alcohols

So semua pakat dok mai rapat-rapat kat achik ni, hari ni kita kupas bawang, eh silap, isu yang dinyatakan dalam title di atas.  Are students charity worker? Ambuih, hareyy tul admin ni dok tanya soklan pelik nih. Sonang cakap, admin ni tanya kat ngkorang semua, adakah pelajar kat universiti ini pekerja pertubuhan amal ke? Lebih kurang macam tu la. Awat pulak admin dok tanya benda tu? Sukati la, nak provoke otak tu skit (or maybe nak dapatkan jawapan kepada soalan yang merunsingkan hati admin). Okeh, first thing first, sesape yang dah masuk universiti (tak kisah la amik asasi ke, diploma ke, bachelor degree, phd, etc.) apa yang korang expect bila masuk universiti? Pembelajaran yang holistik, dipenuhi dengan tenaga pengajar mahir yang 70% bergelar professor dan semuanya pakar dalam bidang masing-masing? Kehidupan yang berkualiti dengan jadual pembelajaran yang dinamik, aktiviti kelas yang berkualiti dan menepati matlamat falsafah “meaningful learning”? Ataupun seperti kata-kata pujangga lecturer saya di zaman kolej, “time korang masuk universiti ni la yang paling best, dapat jalan sana-sini, timba pengalaman di bumi orang”? Bukan? Ke bak kata member saya dulu, “kita masuk universiti, kita la raja (applies to ipts only) kita bayar lecturer untuk ajar apa yang kita nak, takkan kita pulak jadi kuli ye tak?” (okeh yang ni aku betul-betul ‘reka’).

 

Tapi cuba bayangkan, kita dah lama hidup dekat universiti ni, dari satu institusi ke institusi yang lain (kira orang lama la) and then bila masuk satu uni ni, tetiba apa yang kita dengar dari member or dari pengalaman kita yang lepas, tetiba suasana jadi lain macam. Kira nak tanam pokok cabai, acane pulak tetiba pokok rambutan yang tumbuh, camtu la lebih kurang analoginya (jangan marah, aku zaman amik bio dulu memang suka pakai analogi pelik-pelik).  Masalah management tu boleh tahan lagi, tenaga pengajar kurang berkualitas, pass, infrastruktur kampus miskin, no hal; tapi apabila aktivitas luar kelas (kokurikulum lah) lebih dititikberatkan daripada classroom learning, sapa suka weh. Alkisahnya la dalam hidup aku, first time nampak budak-budak life science terkinja-kinja buat aktiviti yang dipaksa dan diorang tak suka, ajaib, coz macam member aku cakap sendiri, “budak-budak sains uni mana ntah yang suka bebeno buat program ngarut kat kampus, takde masa siot”. Aku sokong membe aku, coz sebagai bekas budak sains dulunya, yang paling tak minat buat aktiviti kat kampus adalah budak sains. Kitorang takde masa and lagi suka hadap LCD lebih dari tiga jam, semata-mata nak pahamkan nucleophilic substitution reaction. Kau nak kitorang habiskan chapter deviation from mendelian law dalam masa seminggu dengan kelas tutoran sejam dan kelas teori dua jam, at the same time, patutnya kau bagi explanation pasal gastropod shell, tapi kau suruh diorang gi kat luar, menari terkinja-kinja  sambil buat aerobik la kononya. That’s total BS man! Insanity! Lepas tu kau nak suruh buat kelas ganti? Apa ko ingat student semua IQ lebih 210 ke apa? Setakat dua ke tiga event besar kat kampus untuk menampakkan kemegahan universiti di mata dunia tu aku boleh terima. Flashmob? Menari terkinja-kinja? Tiap minggu bukak booth and pergi anjur event kat luar, pakai duit student? Something wrong la bro. (stay tune, tak sampai part yang best lagi ni)

 

Yang best sekali, bila lecturer yang gi join sekali event (kira buat OT la ni), tak dapat apa pun. Nothing, nil, nul, nihil, sifr. Habuk wang pun tarak. Okeh, aku agree, pegi rumah anak-anak yatim, membantu mereka yang kurang berkemampuan dalam hidup diorang, meringankan beban diorang, berkongsi citer  pahit manis hidup diorang, itu satu benda yang cukup mulia di mata aku. Tapi kot ye pun, berpada-pada lah. Satu minggu ada lima charity work dari beberapa pihak, nampak cam bermegah-megah tau tak? Student kena raise  duit sendiri untuk buat charity, best of all, kena gak pegi, kalau tak melepas la sijil sebab permata tak cukup, kahkahkah. Nampak tak di sini? Tak nampak? Kau baca ke tak title posting ni? Are students charity worker? Aku rumuskan camni la, kau ada satu syarikat yang besar dan maju. Satu hari, kau suruh staff bawahan pergi anjurkan makan malam amal kat hotel. Duitnya ko tak bagi, kau suruh pekerja kau kutip duit sendiri, and then bila event dah siap, memang kau puji staff kau, tapi kau cakap kat media betapa baiknya syarikat engkau, walhalnya yang buat event tu staff kau tanpa bantuan kewangan dari kau, tapi kena paksa pakai label syarikat kau, kalau tak, berhenti kerja la alamatnya. Tapi apa leh buat, kalau kau tak pernah berada di kedua-dua paksi extreme, memang kau tak nampak la argument yang cuba dibangkitkan di sini. Jawabnya angguk-angguk, geleng-geleng, cikgu berak berdiri, kita ikut sama. Bila mau maju da macam ni? Sampai bila student kena layan cam budak-budak. Kau ingat kau syarikat penerbangan tambang murah apa nak cas sembunyik-sembunyik? Takpe, yang penting kau kumpul duit, saving 200 sebulan so dapat pergi compulsory international visit (ni separuh reka, cuma bahagian hujung tu betul).

 

In the end, aku berbangga la, at least aku tau kat mana 3 jutawan kat negara ni lahir dari program orientasi yang hebat (sarcasm). Nasihat aku, nak jilat kasut, buat la kek kasut, bukan jilat but lama depan orang ramai, malu kot (takde kaitan, sesaje).

Full of those high quality frosting. Not included, poop.

 

 

Advertisements

Depression: They didn’t know anything

First person view

 

Do you have that kind of days, I mean, when you felt hopeless and fell in despair? Where your whole world sinks inside a deep dark void, where you couldn’t even let out a scream? An endless argument with yourself, conflicts after conflicts wrote itself like a rejected movie scripts. Your body and mind become fatigued, and your chest felt like that heartburn from eating too much chili peppers. Today I am going to share with you, the true terrors of depression.

 

I still remembered it as if it was yesterday. Around December of 2011, one simple day changed my life forever, just like a chemical reaction goes downhill in a graph. I was a first year student, taking biotech degree. I can still remember the feeling of the gentle breeze which caresses my cheek early in the morning, and a surreal feeling of looking outside the window, and watching the sky in vivid colors. I know I forgot about something. And the inevitable happened. I couldn’t get out of the bed, feeling tired all day long. For the next few weeks, I lost my motivation to do anything. Restless nights passes by, I couldn’t stop thinking about anything. Waking up everyday, I was sitting on the bed, paralyzed. My heart felt like it was burning and freezing simultaneously. Regret, guilt, self-loathing, cursing, screaming to my heart content, and listening to depressing songs. Eventually, I got over it, and the third semester felt like a breeze. But I never thought that it could happen again, or should I say, a relapse.

The fourth semester, July 2012, everything went smoothly. After the Eid festivity ended, class goes as usual. Like some kind of sick joke, it happened again in September of that year, and the fact that it was a rainy season only added misery to the days that goes by.It come, it goes, just like the rain; but the damages are permanent. Flesh wound turns into scars. Life went downhill afterwards. Sometimes I simply prayed that it would end quickly, and would never come again. Religion keeps me off the suicidal thoughts; but what I was looking for was not reassurance. Instead of looking for the solution, I ran away from my problems. Lies after lies slips out my lips. Days goes by with me thinking about the good old days. When did it start? How did it happened? If only I could turn back the time. No, this is not reality, I’m in some kind of alternate dimension right? Those questions filled my mind back then. Like digging the ground when it is flooding, you get suffocated with the water, instead of searching for higher grounds.

Do they understand? Can they help me? It was simple to reassure your friends when they’re in despair, asking them to get it over with, swallowing everything down. Yeah, it was as simple as saying something, cause they didn’t experience it themselves. Even calling several helplines, it didn’t help with anything. What you got is advice after advice. Same thing all over again. Worst, when you’re blamed for causing problems to other people. Did they ever tried to put themselves in my shoes? I shut off my phone, I avoid from talking to anyone. 70% of my days filled with sleeping. The rest is filled with feeding myself, taking a long shower, and cursing myself for the problems I caused to myself for the rest of the nights. What am I doing with my life? Leave me alone, I don’t wanna get fixed. I need a solution to my problems, I need to get out of the abyss of my thoughts.

Like every other people who fell in despair, I asked myself, how do I destroy this monster once and for all? And then it dawned on me, this is not as simple as fighting bosses inside video games. A slip up is not a game over, but you should know that the scars from the fall will always remain with you, unable to heal. In the end, I just wanted everyone to just shut the hell up, and might possibly say a swear word.

 

Fear and loathing…and anxiety (not) in Las Vegas

No, I am not talking about the band or the book…or the movie…but rather, something which got me caught up in a bit of predicament over the years…fear…specifically, anxiety. Did you think that anxiety is just having tremors, caught up in a fight or flight conflict inside your head…the moment you’re about to do something big? Wrong answer me amigo, for today we are going to delve into the world of anxiety.

Now that’s a broad spectrum of subcategories

 

As someone who have experienced severe anxiety over the years (which could be a jackpot for me, when the society embed a stigma on me for not having the ability to cope with reality, or would give me handful of advises to dissipate the problem…which is also why I never told anyone about it in the first place)…where are we again…oh, the feeling that you get when you messed up a little bit in your life, but somehow the problem keep piling up due to you being frozen in fear…lose all hope in living, filled with self-loath; thinking, where the hell did I screw up? When did all of this started? I’m doomed…nil, null, nihil, zero, sifr, nothing more of a useless pile of existence in this world.

Yeah, that’s just an example of how anxiety could cripple your frail little life. But in a society where mental disease goes unchecked, where mad people are let loose to control the economy, destroying the minds of young uns by the means of screwed up education system; where we were taught that without licking the shoes of a man with receding hairlines, we could not survive this rotten world? Yeah, I guess that makes people with anxiety in this country either a laughing stock for (supposed) making up of excuses in a form of mental disease, or maybe even an imbecile for being afraid of stepping on the bridge of life. See, there’s no public awareness campaign or dozens of other suggestion that we have to pen in when writing essays (because extra marks, that’s why).

 

Must have had too many skittles

 

People with anxiety never asked for it to happen to them. It’s like a curse…when something goes awry in the biological system of an individual, their minds started screwing around with their thoughts…over-thinking, confusion, the list could go on and on; and there’s quite a few of categories of anxiety disorder, not including the subcategories…aw man, that some serious manure down there.

Come on, Pavlovian era had long pass by, Freudian theory wasn’t relevant anymore (but I still believe in Jung’s dream analysis…well…quite skeptic…but…meh…). Shouldn’t people delve into the causes of anxiety disorder from the biological aspect…wait…they did. But still, it is still insufficient. Some drugs lead to another psychological disorder, even better (sarcasm) some of the drugs that works are placebos. So is it real, or there’s some underlying cause that we haven’t discovered yet? Who knows…guess I’ll be playing the same song for the umpteenth time while playing a hundred round of Klondike and Freecell over and over again. Life sucks, but meh…society would be like ‘procrastination’…just drink up the reality which is milk of magnesia, and defecate everything down the sewage.

Have a sip…heard from a friend that it helps in those pesky body odors…and acne

%d bloggers like this: